11:29: Cutler throws interception on Bears’ third play
“Psssht. That would never have happened if Kristin hadn’t lost my lucky hemp shell necklace.”

10:30: Bear tight end Kellen Davis drops a pass

“Come on, man. Gronk would’ve caught that. I want to party with that bro.”

8:28: Brandon Marshall makes a great catch for a first down

“Would it be weird for me to make a mixtape for Brandon? No, right? Totally no. He’d dig it. Maybe. I’ll hold off for now.”

7:48: (Actual clock reads 4:20 p.m.)
“Check it out! It’s 4:20! Smoke ’em if you got ’em! Awesome.”

5:41: Delay of Game, Bears
“Come on, Tice! Do I have to nationally humiliate you again? Not cool.”

4:27: Cutler overthrows Alshon Jeffery in the endzone on 3rd and 8
“If Tice gets in my face, I’m gonna to say, ‘What’s the matter, coach, are you on your period?’ Total burn.”

4:23: Robbie Gould kicks a 32-yard field goal to give Bears 3-0 lead
“Great. Three points. You know, sometimes I can’t believe that I’m paid millions of dollars to throw an oblong piece of leather to some guy running across a field. It seems so absurd—there are millions of people out there struggling to survive, and just because I can satisfy the masses with a tight spiral, I… whoa, cheerleaders! Check out that one!”

3:37: Incomplete pass by Jacksonville
“Wonder how I’d look with a goatee. Pretty fuckin’ sweet, probably.”

1:30: Jacksonville converts a first down on 3rd and 14
“Nice coverage, Urlacher. What a puss. That should totally have been me in that Samsung commercial.”

Second Quarter

14:02: Jacksonville kicks a field goal to tie game 3-3
“A tie game? Dudes, come on! I need to win this game. I’m the 25th-ranked QB in the league. I’ve won one playoff game in seven years. People aren’t going to let me get away with stuff likepushing J’Marcus Webb if I can’t back it up. Sometimes I wonder if I have it in me, if I truly am a million-dollar arm with a 10-cent head… 3-3? An elite QB throws at least four TDs against this D. Maybe if I worked harder. Maybe if I trusted my teammates more. Was it Isaac Newton who said ‘If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulder of giants?’ Yes, I believe it was. Is this a moment for humility, for trusting my teammates? Oh, look…cheerleaders. Damn, they’re hot!”

10:57: Cutler scrambles for 13 yards and stiff-arms DB Aaron Ross at the end of the play
“Bro, don’t even. The Cutmaster will fuck you up.”

8:31: Cutler throws to Marshall for 7 yards
“Would Brandon like Hoobastank? Psssht. Dumb question. EVERYONE likes Hoobastank.”

7:49: Bears’ drive ends with a punt
“Damn, I haven’t been this bummed since ‘Entourage’ went off the air.”

6:16: Jacksonville converts a 3rd and 1 for first down
“Shit, I miss college.”

00:48: After catching a 15-yard pass on 1st and 20, Brandon Marshall is helped off the field with apparent leg injury
“Ohmygodohmygodohmygod…”

Halftime

Brandon Marshall is OK, but Cutler has thrown for a mere 110 yards. The offense that was supposed to be so dominant has put up a mere three points against the 25th-rated defense in the NFL.

“I wonder if Vince Vaughn is watching this game. That dude should play me when they make a movie of my life.”

Third Quarter

14:06: Cutler converts 3rd and 7 with 18-yard-pass to Marshall
“Suck on that, Tom Brady! Super Bowl rings don’t mean shit when you’ve got a cannon like The Cutlass, son.”

12:02: Cutler converts 3rd and 3 with 7-yard pass to Dane Sanzenbacher
“Who’s that skinny little white guy wearing a Bears jersey, Tom Waddle? Guess I’ll throw to him.”

10:46: Cutler completes two consecutive passes to Marshall
“When should I tell Brandon about my JC + BM = BFF tattoo? He’s totally going to love it!”

9:28: Cutler converts a 4th and 1 (with pass to Marshall), then is hit after the play by Jaguar DL Jeremy Mincey, resulting in a roughing the passer call
“Dude! You can’t do that to The Cutty Sark! Tell him, Brandon. Tell him!”

6:14: Bears’ offensive lineman Gabe Carimi commits his third penalty of the game (and second in a row)
“Great game, Gabe—on Opposite Day.”

5:06: Bears’ DB Charles Tillman returns an interception for a touchdown
“Who came up with that ‘Smoking Jay Cutler’ site, anyway? What a dick.”

2:18: Bears’ TE Kyle Adams drops a pass
“Does this jock make my junk look small?”

2:00: Cutler converts 3rd and 6 with 21-yard pass to Marshall
“How should I ask Brandon to come over and listen to Maroon 5? That’s not gay, is it?”

1:02: Cutler converts a 3rd and 15 with a short pass to Michael Bush, who hurdles two players to get a first down
“Showoff. But I get credit for the yardage, so whatever.”

4th Quarter

14:55: 10-yard touchdown pass to Jeffery
“Dammit, I wanted to get a TD to Brandon. I hope he’s not mad at me. I swear to God, if he’s mad at me, I’ll just… I don’t even know. I can’t even think about it.”

11:49: Cutler completes a 39-yard pass to Hester, who makes a tremendous diving catch
“You know what would be sweet right now? Taco Bell.”

8:37: Cutler completes a 24-yard touchdown pass to Marshall
“Ohmygodohmygodohymgod… be cool, be cool… don’t freak out… Don’t jump in his arms. ‘Nice catch, man.’ WHEE!!!!”

7:58: Bears LB Lance Briggs returns an interception for a touchdown
“You know who I’d like to party with? Rob Schneider. ‘Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo’? Fuckin’ hilarious.”

6:31: Jaguars punt
“Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. Isaac Newton, man. Total genius. Love those fig cookies, too.”

2:00: With Cutler on the sidelines, Armando Allen bursts through the middle for a 46-yard touchdown run
“What would Tice do if I had a pizza delivered now? Probably get all uptight. Dick.”

0:00: Bears win 41-3, scoring 38 points in the second half.
“OK, so we won. But so what? I haven’t dismissed the idea that I’m a mercurial quarterback who looks like Johnny Unitas one play and Rusty Lisch the next. Maybe I’ll never put it together, and my career will be nothing but an afterthought. And I’ll be left with only the crushing loneliness of knowing I didn’t matter to anyone…

“Ehhh, fuck it. You know what would be awesome? If I just said ‘No fat chicks! No fat chicks!’ in the post-game press conference. Hilarious.”